I can swear there’s a freaking werewolf howling outside. It’s a long drawn out, deep, full blown howl, like out of a monster movie. It’s so unnerving that I actually poked my head outside to see if I can tell how far away it was.

The moment I open the back door, the one that faces the woods, the howling stops. There is, of course, a full moon above. It’s bright enough to see the wooden porch and a ways into the forest, but beyond that the forest has become a tangle of dim light and a million dark shadows. Above, in the big old oak that towers over my place, an owl hoots. Not a friendly hoot, either — it sounds like it’s telling me off.

I duck back inside, shut and locked the door (like locking it makes me safer from a werewolf) and … you guessed it … the howling starts again.

Okay. Fine. Howl away, damn werewolf. I’m getting a beer.

I root around the fridge and pull out this Utenos Porter. Fitting, somehow. Sounds like the perfect name for a beer to drink while there’s a werewolf outside.

Remember, beware the moors.

I pop the top and give this bad boy a sniff. It smells strongly of sweet dark malt and molasses.

I raise the bottle to my lips, tip it back for that first sip. It’s both milder, and thinner, than I’d expected. The taste of the alcohol is strong. There’s a good balance between sweet and dark bread. And, somewhere, there seems to be some hops thrown into the mix.

Very good. Not outstanding, but good. A solid, yummy brew.

Outside the howling has stopped again. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not — I’m half expecting to hear it right outside my window.

Beware the moors!

I’ll give this a 4.4 on the Holy Grail scale and proclaim it to be a groovy brew. As I sit here and finish it, I’ll be thinking about the fact that I have no gun in the house, let alone any silver bullets.

This review transcribed from handwritten notes taken in 2009.

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My friend Brad just said to me, “Alcohol-free beer, is like orgasm-free sex.”

I have to admit he has a point there.

On a totally unrelated note, I thought I’d share this little Onion Radio News bit with you.  It’s about a new cereal for the poor, but having said that, it’s actually quite on topic for this publication.  Listen and you’ll see why…

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Not everyone can drink alcohol.

Me, personally, I’ve taken a year off.  I know, horror of horrors, no alcohol for me in 2010.  But this website must go on, and so I’ll do my best to track down and review every single non-alcoholic malt beverage I can find, plus throw in a few reviews I still have scribbled on paper, scattered around and buried in piles.

I’ll start this off with Clausthaler Premium, an import from Germany which I still think of as “beer” — but that’s not technically correct.  Still.  It’ s sold in the beer aisle at the store, and — at least here in Illinois — you still get carded for it.

It smells like beer.  In fact it smells a lot like Lowenbrau.  Just by sniffing it you can’t tell that it’s a non-alcoholic brew.

Upon first sip, which for me turned into a gulp, it tastes like the real thing.  Smooth, bitter with hops, lightly carbonated and just a bit watery, it’s not that much different than a mass-produced import.  Where the illusion fails is in the aftertaste.  Alcohol has an aftertaste that is missing here.  Then on the second swig, the illusion starts breaking down even further.  You can tell something is missing.

Let’s put all that aside, though.  It’s not fair to put this up against a real beer.  What is important is, does it satisfy?  How good is it?

Pretty darn good.  It satisfies the craving for those who are missing the real thing – and believe me, I am – and it is undoubtedly the best of the brews I’ve had so far since beginning this sobering adventure.

Obviously I can’t nominate it as a Holy Beer contender but I have no problem proclaiming it as a groovy brew.

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I ran across this great article on Discovery news, and thought I should share it with you.  In essence:

• Beer contains a nutrient that can strengthen bone.
• In moderation, beer can contribute to a healthy diet.
• Wine isn’t the only alcoholic beverage that does our bodies some good.

As always, MODERATION is the key.

UPDATE - Here’s practically the same article, word for word, on The Guardian:  Drinking beer can help prevent weak bones.  Interesting.  (Thanks, and a shout out to De McArthur)

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Let me try and set the scene…

I’m sitting in a pretty much round room, looking out a huge curved window at palm fronds swaying in the island breeze.  My attention is torn between the beer sitting here on the desk, and the beautiful water in front of me, swirling in light and dark patterns as gentle swells wash the sand of the lagoon.  Some of the palms lean far out over the water, looking like they might just drop over.  Over on the side of the building are four full-sized replicas of moai monoliths (you know, those big, creepy-cool Easter Island heads).  If I look out a side window, I see one staring back at me.

To say that the beauty here is surreal would be an understatement.

Add to that, the radio behind me is playing this really odd, yet catchy dance song, with a clearly mechanical robot voice chanting “disco dance in your sexy panties” and “wear your sexy pants just for me.”

I tear my eyes away from the view, pop open the beer, and walk out to the porch with a pad of paper and a pencil.

It smells like molasses and vodka.  Now, that may not sound like a good combination, but in this case it is.  It smells interesting, and I mean that in a positive way.

I take the first sip, tilt my head back and savor it.  The first thing that hits me is the taste of well toasted oats and barley, aerated by light but satisfying carbonation.  It finishes off with a nice bitterness that reminds me in an odd way of the charred skin on barbecued chicken. 

Later, the bottle empty, it leaves me satisfied and happy.  In all, the flavor is well balanced, and I enjoyed so much I’m awarding it the status of Holy Beer Contender and rating it 2.3 on the Holy Grail Scale.

This review transcribed from handwritten notes taken in 2009.

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I have reviews to post here.  Really.  I do.  But they’re on paper.  I actually have to type them out, which is why you’re not reading them.

In the meantime I thought some of you might like to see this:

Beer Calculus: homebrew recipe calculator.

I’m not a home brewer … yet … so I have no idea how good this thing actually is, but it impressed me enough to share it.  It’s an online beer brewing calculator.

Let me know if it’s any good.  I’ll probably be trying it next spring.

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It’s Saturday evening, far warmer than usual in the Chicago area.  My windows are open, and I’ve been typing on my newest manuscript on and off most of the day.  I’m currently recovering from the Swine Flu, which didn’t hit me very hard.

Anyway, I decided it’s time for a break, and so I’m going to crack open this Baltic porter and do a quick review.

I pop the top and take a sniff.  It smells sickeningly sweet and yeasty.  Suddenly I wonder if I should be drinking a beer while coming down from the Swine Flu.  Hmm.  Oh well, here goes nothing.

Zero carbonation, but the flavor isn’t bad.  It would be better if it didn’t seem so flat.  Seriously.  It’s like it’s been open in the refrigerator for two weeks.  Not stale, mind you, but utterly devoid of carbonation.

The taste is fruity and oddly light while at the same time as being dark and heavy.  Hard to verbalize.  I taste a strong molasses and coffee mixture, with a hint of wheat bread.  There’s a dark chocolate aftertaste that I really like.

It’s not bad.  Give it some fizz and it would be even better.  I’m not going to proclaim it as a groovy brew, but I won’t steer you away from it if you like Baltic porters.  It’s worth a try.

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…no matter what species he is.

Photo from here by way of here.

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Here’s an excellent article with recipes about cooking with beer.

I used to BBQ steaks with beer – it tenderizes them.  I’ve also experimented with adding it to sauces, etc., with mixed results — but I’m not what you might consider a good cook.

With these recipes though, I just might be able to fake it.  (Thanks to Tim for sending this to me!)

via Cooking With Beer : NPR.

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I have a confession to make.

I’ve had to cut back on my beer consumption.

Overwhelmed by the endless variety of beers and ales I now have access too, and having found a one that came very close — if only for a while — to being the Holy Beer, I over-indulged and the weight I’d been quietly dropping over the last four years came stampeding back.

I’ve always been one to choose quality over quantity, but what happened is I found myself with a great quantity of quality.  I went from 2-3 gourmet beers a week to 2-3 (or more) a day.

That had to stop.  And so I put rules on myself, and so far they seem to be working, and the weight has begun to slowly evaporate.

Funny how fast you can gain it, but how slow it is when it’s leaving you.

Anyway, my new rule is, when I’m out I can drink my brews freely … which is self-limiting, as they’re way more expensive, and also I need to be mindful of being able to legally drive afterward.  If I’m at home, I can’t have a beer unless I’m going to review it.  That also puts limits on me.  I can still have as many beers as I want … as long as I write a review for it.  Which also means I have to photograph it and actually sit here and write it.  Obviously I’m not going to do that three times a day.

Anyway, here is the first one I’ve actually popped the top off of in over a week.  Obolon “Deep Velvet” from the Ukraine.  It smells like … heaven.  Sweet and slightly sour malt, a touch of honey-scented yeast, but no hint whatsoever of hops.

Tipping it back to my lips, I take that first sip.

Mmmm!  Interesting!  Tangy, yeasty, and with some nice rich and – I have to agree, velvety, sweet maltiness – but then it fades to a mild bitterness, and that in turn fades to a slightly metallic aftertaste which is not completely enjoyable.

No matter, another swig solves that.  The original blossom of flavor erases the metallic tang, but only for a bit.  Which means this beer is urging me to keep drinking.

And so, in not too much time, the half liter is gone … leaving me without beer.

Sadness.

I hesitate to proclaim this one as groovy.  It’s interesting, and maybe worth a try – you might like it much more than I did.  If I’ve learned anything since starting this site, is there are as many different tastes as there are beer drinkers.

To someone, somewhere in this world, this is their favorite beer.  But not mine.

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